Wednesday, 13 April 2011

I want...

I want to be able to wake up each morning to a tidy house. I want to feel the sun on my face as I have a relaxing start to the day, feeling a hot shower and making a power smoothie before I leave.

I want to be busy. I want to always have something to do, but be able to stop doing it if I feel like taking a long lunch, or grabbing a glass of wine by the beach.

I want to have a purpose. I want fulfillment in my life. I want to have a happy reason to get up in the morning. I want to finish a task in 3 minutes instead of an hour because I have nothing else to do.

I want a garden. A place to plant my own vegetables and see flowers spring into life. I want to look out of my window at something I can be proud of - something I have achieved.

I want my own house. I want to be able to know down walls and install my own kitchen. I want to have more than one area to relax in instead of falling into that terrible cycle of sitting on the sofa and watching TV because there is nowhere else to sit.

I want a reason to decorate. I want to decorate other holidays as well as Christmas, and make an Easter Egg Hunt and throw a Halloween Party for anyone who wishes to join me.

I want to be healthy. I want to be able to take my time over my lunch and create a warm salad that I can lovingly tuck into. I want have the time to make elaborate meals that are good for my body.

I want to perfect healthy baking. I want to be able to learn from my mistakes and carry on until I create something perfect.

I want a social life. I want to have friends in Brighton. I want to be able to go and do things on a weekend - even if it's just going out for lunch or going to the park or beach. I want to spend sunny days out in the sun.

I want a kitchen. A proper kitchen. One with a coffee machine and an Aga. One large enough to have parties in and be able to make a huge mess without covering every single workspace in flour.

I want to not get sick whenever I eat a croissant. OR I want gluten-free, dairy-free croissants to be so scrumptious that I barely notice the difference.

I also want Grey's Anatomy to hurry the hell up and show the next episode. I mean, hello?! I need to know what happens to Callie!

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

somewhere in the middle?

as I sit here watching Supersize vs Superskinny, with a goats cheese and rocket salad, followed by a huge slice of cake and a glass of wine, I cannot help but feel slightly smug.

happiness is...

... an empty flat, chocolate cherry cake, a glass of wine and CSI:NY...

... good times.

days to myself

When I said goodbye to Mr P this morning, I realised that I wasn’t going to see him Sunday. 4 whole days on my own. 5 whole evenings. Unfortunately, I assume that I shall be spending these 5 whole evenings cleaning, eating, and curling up on the sofa enjoying CSI as I am usually forbidden from watching it when in his company.

It also means I get to make teeny tiny ‘girl portion’ salads and not feel bad that he’s still hungry half an hour later. I’m thinking of stocking up and the spinach, rocket and watercress and searching for some lovely warm veg recipes that I can enjoy on these summer-like evenings. And a glass of wine to accompany them, of course.

Not only did I buy some buttons on Sunday, but I also bought some pretty fabric and metal buttons to cover. I’ll put the radio on, sip on a glass of sauvignon blanc and get creating. I made some last night and it took a couple of goes to get it right, but now I think I’ve got the hang of it. Now for getting even more material.

Hopefully once I’ve been making these for a while the creative juices will start flowing and I can really get involved in something. Ideally start thinking of more and more things I can do – and I’d love to eventually get a badge maker and then I could make all sorts of ones from amazing paper. But for now I’m going to start of simple and not get ahead of myself...

...she says whilst also looking at quite expensive badge making machines...

Sunday, 10 April 2011

a new hobby

I've been bored lately. Yesterday I spent the day laying on the couch catching up on TV shows whilst it was sunny outside. I didn't want to do anything, despite hating the fact that I was doing nothing.

On days when I have the house to myself, I don't know what to do. I find it hard to muster up the energy to actually get out of the house. The main culprit I believe is that I get far too comfortable laying about in my pjyamas and going outside means getting dressed and putting my make-up on. Then I just can't be bothered.

It's all my own doing, of course, but when Mr P got home after work he asked me what I'd done that day and I started crying. The tears came from nowhere and I couldn't stop. But when asked why I was crying my response was 'I'm just so bored'. He took me out to a nice little restaurant and it cheered me up a bit. It was a relief to finally be out somewhere and talking to someone, rather than muttering thoughts to myself.

He's working again today, but only for 3 hours. So we're going out to the beach and then grabbing some lunch to take my mind off this. This morning, however, I decided that I was going to get up, get dressed, and walk with him to work. It was nice. It's not even midday and I've already been outside, had some food, and started thinking about what I need to do to entertain myself.

And that's how I've come to decide that I shall start crafting. I've been browsing etsy shops for inspiration (and finding it hard to not just steal ideas). I like making things but I have no real talent to show off yet and feel that I need to make things in order to find my own style and so to start with I'm going to make magnets.

When I was at university I spent a lot of money on fridge magnets. Particularly shabby chic fridge magnets and I've always looked at them and thought "that's something I could do". They're small. I could make a couple in an evening and feel like I've accomplished something. The perfect little craft for me, I think. Yes. I shall start making magnets because living in Brighton means I can find all sorts of little things to play about with. And if makes me some money - great. If I break even - well that's fine because at least it will give me something to do.

I told Mr P of my idea this morning and he thinks I should go for it. So this afternoon when we pop out I'm going to hunt for pretty buttons. Maybe this will be the start of something positive. I sure hope so.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

a minor setback

Mr P. my utterly brilliant other half is a music businessman. A music entrepreneur, if you will. He is a complete workaholic, which drives me insane some days, but I do understand that the more he works, the more money he earn and the more experience he gets.

Last week he was shortlisted for an interview with one of the UKs biggest record labels. He prepared, he bought a gorgeous new suit, and he was ready. They loved him. The Vice Chairman loved him. The HR Director loved him. They had no bad thing to say about him at all and said he was clearly a 'natural entrepreneur'.

But someone else was just that little bit more suitable. Ahhh it was devastating. He's got a call arranged on Monday to speak to them about his interview and if there is anything else he could do with them.

I'm a huge believer in things happening for a reason and even though this sucks right now - I know it's because an even better opportunity is about to come his way.

But it still leaves me feeling horrible about myself. Why? Because that job would have meant he was employed. And he'd get a guaranteed wage every single month. I'd know that he was busy working because he had to do something for work, not busy working because if he didn't, he might not get enough clients to pay the rent.

I feel so terrible about myself - because he's doing his best to earn a living and all I want to do is spend time with him.

Bring on Monday - maybe then I'll have more of an idea on what to expect out of the next couple of months.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

a new start

I'm no stranger to blogging.

In fact, I've been blogging for 6 years now but never seem to be able to stick to the same one. My first 2 blogs were jointly written by myself and best friends and were mainly a way of jotting down little exciting moments to remember. Then a dream of opening a cafe prompted a new blog entirely devoted to my ideas and opinions. Unfortunately a change in circumstance then meant the prospect of opening a cafe seemed to be years away and I abandoned it to start yet another blog based on my sneaky ability to give the impression of wealth, despite having absolutely nothing. Zero. Not a penny (of course that's a massive overstatement but you get the point).

Last week I was somehow blocked out of my old account and I cannot for the life of me get back into it. So I have decided to start afresh. I shall not be counting followers, or checking up on stats. No - this is a place for me to put my thoughts down. A place to get my feelings out in the open instead of hiding them and find some inner peace.